Something he knew was that: he was burying the body of a young woman.
As he lay down his rife and placed his helmet over his heart, he considered;
she hadn't suffered, she hadn't felt the pain now raging through his chest,
through his mind.
Something he knew was that: she had died instantly.
He looked around. The dusty evening planes were as empty now as when it had
happened. His mind flew the few miles west, over the spare bush, to the now
wreaked village alongside the barracks.
His helmet sent a murder of crows screaming to the skies from a nearby tree
as it clattered to his feet, he inhaled the arid desert dust passed his chapped
lips deeply before stooping to retrieve it.
Something he knew was that: the post would arrive tomorrow and that in it his
girlfriend’s letter would include pictures. Those kinds of pictures.
Something he knew was that: the girl, this girl, she was better off in the
ground anyway. Away from it all. Women and nature, they go hand in hand.
Don't they?
Something he knew was that: he wouldn't be trading the naked pictures of his
girlfriend with the others this time. He could do without cigarettes and
chocolate.
For a while at least.
Something he knew was that: he couldn't have waited any longer for that
fuck.
Something he knew was that: it hadn't been rape. Because he's shot her
first.
He knew that he'd put a bullet clean through her skull.
Something he knew was that: no matter what happened she couldn't hurt him
now.
Something he knew was that: she was dead.
He turned his back on the fresh soil he'd crudely piled upon her corpse and
looked towards the setting sun. Standing, paralysed, he felt the light drain
from his soul, the darkness, began to creep up his spine.
What he didn't know was that: over his shoulder clods of earth, moistened
from time deep underground, were slowly tumbling from the top of the burial
mound; that her hands were rising seeking out those fast fading beams of gold
that drained and seared all life above.
A pair of forever frozen Chrysanthemums.
What he didn't know was that: the dead girl with a bullet clean through her
skull was about to climb up out of the ground light up a cigarette and ask him
if he fancied one?
A fuck that is, he wasn't allowed a cigarette.
Something that he didn't know, that he really should have, was that: sex is
much like algebra.
1- -1= 2
You fuck a dead girl: she comes back to life.
Hey Katie, welcome to the circle! And what a gloriously disturbing début you've made!
ReplyDeleteDespite the length of the piece, there's a lot to talk about. I love the strong sense of voice that your soldier character has. You've really caught that idea of self-persuasion and post-event rationalisation that people indulge in after they've done terrible things. The absence of psychological struggle in your protagonist marks him as a very dangerous character indeed. I also like the use of third person narrative, because it gives a sense of distance to the character, which makes his actions and thoughts seem all the more unhinged. The repetition also serves to subtly underline a cold madness which is simmering below the surface.
It's a really interesting concept, and I love the zombie twist (I'm a sucker for zombies!) That being said, this does feel like the introduction to a longer piece. It doesn't quite work as a stand alone story, and I think this is because the concept is so intriguing that I'm keen to learn either a) what happens next or b) what has gone on before. I want to know what motivated the soldier to commit such an unspeakable act and I want to know how the zombie theme will develop.
There are a few grammatical bits and pieces that I'd like to point out.
1. In the sentence "His mind flew the few miles west, over the spare bush, to the now wreaked village alongside the barracks." you have used the word 'wreaked' which doesn't quite seem to fit as the term wreaked is used to describe an action rather than a consequence. Maybe consider replacing it with 'wrecked' or 'destroyed' instead?
2. Your use of the colon is in the sentences that begin "Something he knew was that" don't sit well with me. If you are using a colon in the deductive form, the two clauses either side of the colon need to be independent, with the second clause being a logical continuation of the first. For example, "Something he knew was that: she had died instantly." would instead become 'Something he knew: she had died instantly.'
If you're using the colon in the descriptive form, the first clause should introduce the second while still being independent of it. "Something he knew was this: it hadn't been rape." Using the word 'this' instead of the word 'that' makes the two clauses short sentences in their own right and makes the first clause and introduction of the second.
I think your ideas are solid and well executed. The narrative is compelling and you can tell that you have a drama background because the scene is very vivid and the character development occurs through action rather than description – which is great.
My favourite part of the piece is your comparison between sex and algebra. It's a perfect simile because both are confusing and infuriating, yet fascinating and beguiling. I also wonder if this comparison gives us further insight into the background of our protagonist? Is he a mathematical genius or a university student conscripted into an unwinnable war? Will the terrible things he has done here haunt him for the rest of his life?
There's also little indication of time period, though I placed it in the second world war because I've recently read Captain Correlli's Mandolin and the themes of the horrors of war are similar. I wonder if other circle members think there is a need for an indication of era in the piece or whether it works better as a blank canvas?
I really enjoyed your work, and I can't wait for more next month :)
Well, hello and welcome to the Circle. :)
ReplyDeleterife should be rifle
; These jolted me out of the narrative somehwhat, and admitedly I did find the 'something he knew's repetitive. Leaane has gone into detail as to why some of them did not work, so I shall not repeat. However I also felt that the opening could have set this usage up better, creating more flow with the subsequent usage.
"Something he knew was that: he was burying the body of a young woman."
If this was preluded by something like: There were many things he knew, many certaintes that grounded him. Or somesuch.
I can understand why you have chosen to use them. They work well in the development of chara, creating a disjointed feel. As if he is laying out facts in an attempt to rationalise his actions, or even his rational side battling with the reality of his brutality, of his irrational urges. Does the pain he feels translate into remorse? I do not get that impression, but certainly his actions have disturbed even him.
He most certainly is an intersting chara, if certainly not likeable.
Leanne bought up locale. "dusty evening planes" "arid desert dust" "spare bush" (sparse brush? Sparse bushes? The planes adorned sparingly with bushes?)"seared" the barraks in the west, implying he is in the east led me to think that this is set in a more modern war in the middle east. But the crysanthumums did throw me as they are not funeral flowers there, but then he is western, so you know...
Anywho, are you intenionally tying the idea of soldiers/war and inhumanity together? Is he suffering PTSS? "She couldnt hurt him now" This implies that not only does he see her as someone to fuck, but that he also sees her as the enemy; an enemy he fears and feels disempowered by...despite the fact that the villiage as been destroyed by his side.
I do feel that the execution of this peice could do with a lot of working over, but what lies beneath is full and fascinating.
(oops too long!)
ReplyDeleteThe male gaze and objectification. He clearly perpetuates these ideas. Even his wife is viewed as a commodity, comparable to chocolate and cigarettes, her nude pictures currency, she is quite literally objectified...and this someone he cares about. This aspect of his personality is then, horrifically, reinforced by his view of the girl he murders and rapes as "that fuck".
He is representitive of a disgusting aspect of our society, and in his role as a sodier, one that is forcefully imparted on other societies. And yet the lines.."Women and nature, they go hand in hand.
Don't they?" shows some awareness of what he is, what he is doing, hs views of women being questioned and the 'better off' seems to almost imply she is better off away from emn like him.
You have woven these aspects into the character very well...presenting the reader with them but in a manner which leaves it open to interprtation.
I think that is what made the end so shocking for me. And not in a good way.
"What he didn't know was that: the dead girl with a bullet clean through her skull was about to climb up out of the ground light up a cigarette and ask him if he fancied one?
A fuck that is, he wasn't allowed a cigarette."
Ok, I can see how you have gone for some dark humour. But it doesnt work. You are actually undoing all the careful chara/theme build up.
He murdered and raped a girl becuase he had to have that fuck. This is a Very Bad Thing. As you no doubt know 1 in 4 women, statiscally, wil be sexually assualted in their life. By having her, reanimated, blandly suggest they have sex again, quiping that he cant have a cigarette, undermines the sriousness of what he has done. It makes it into a joke, it makes it seem, via her compliance, that it is ok.
And that is a message that I do not think you intend.
The ending could be handled much better. Leanne likened the sex and algebra (and in a lovey way!) but there has to be a distinction between sex and rape. Sex puns and such fundamentally heinous crimes should not be put together.
I think a bit more descrption and development could smooth this over. The idea of his viewing her as the enemy (whther becuase she is a woman or literal war terms), his perceptions of women. If, when she came back, there was a confrontation of these beliefs with her actions then it could work. His fears made manifest, she becoming the agressor. Not necessarily dipping into a rape-vengence scenaria mind, but furthering the chara groundwork you have already laid with him.
Ignoring the ending, I think this is fuelled by some great ideas...look forward to reading more of your work!
I would like more smells in this. He's near a dead body - where is the putrid stench type shizzle? Maybe (cos smell is such a great use in flashbacks) you could have our protagonist juxtapose the particular smell of his wife with that of this woman who has used for pleasure?
ReplyDeleteThere is such a convention for killers in that 'the guilt will out'. And so...
I want to feel his uncomfortable existence, obviously not with the murder (he is cold in soul) but with his environment. The rough of his stubble or try describing his need for a wash, not that he would care about his potential repugnant state in regards for the slain woman - just his own sense of disease in mind. The description would fuel his need for a ciggie even more AND it would be an illustration as to how he is shifting his guilt into other thoughts. A cliché - I know - but even the coldest humans have a way of sublimating their evil acts into barely realised habits/coping systems. Branch out with the idea...give him via these 'sensory tells' more life/dimension.
‘Sex puns and such fundamentally heinous crimes should not be put together.’-A.Fox
Might I suggest that you try to undo some of the confused perspective in your piece by having it very clear that the soldier doesn’t see the line between sex and rape? That is part of his mentality right? His objectification of his wife points to this. I agree with Ashley that your ending could be more thought out and that also (if this is a longer piece) that you might flesh out the circumstances on how the soldier encountered the woman. Perhaps what began as sex became overtly violent, that his war experiences have released something of the inhumane in him. Then, the dark humour you exhibit (once projected on to his character via a first person re-write) might feel not only warranted and within character but multi-level. I think your soldier boy might be quite the morbid fascination with such devices in effect.
What was your motivation in the story? Not that you may have started off with one, but I am intrigued (genuinely) by what you hoped to gain from the horror?
Regarding Leanne’s open question on the era, I’d say that Ashley is spot on regarding the locale being Afghanistan right? Somehow I thought of the boar war but that’s just me.
Looking forward to hearing your reasoning and postulations. C’mon, don’t be shy!
Hi guys, thanks so much for your comments I am working my way round this afternoon writing comments back. I will read as much of your longer stories as possible and comments as I go my aim is to catch up ASAP!
ReplyDeleteIn regards to my motivation for writing this piece it came from an angry and powerless place I found myself in and really help me deal with something that happened to me.
With the pun ending I was attempting to disempower the soldier and make try and show that what he had done was not as powerful as he had thought. Make a joke of the heinous act, make a joke of the person, some criminal revel in their crime being taken as a hideous act rather than an act of insanity – just look at Brevik. With the girl coming back to life I wanted to illustrate that no matter what he could not destroy her. He’s rob her of life of her dignity what does she have left to fear? I really wanted to show he had done everything to destroy her and she come back with a “I don’t give a shit” attitude to disempower him, to disable any hope of bragging rights he might share whith the others he had shown pictures to. In the same breath didn’t want her to be vengeful and spiteful because this would have show he had affected her in any negative way. With her asking him if he wanted a fuck I wanted to turn the power in the piece round making the girl now the one in proactively charge of her sexuality and their sexual encounter. But your comments are well received I will work on making this more of an empowerment and less of a seeming compliance. In my mind I always saw either him shrinking away from her in fear or accepting the offer and her rejecting him, perhaps this is a vital element that is missing from the ending.
I will work on portraying more clearly the soldier not knowing the difference between sex and rape, this is something that I wanted to explore a bit further but wasn't sure about how to go about it at the time, now you guys have pointed it out as being highly important I will get to work!
Setting really wasn’t that important geographically or historically. Writing for the stage I tend to use settings more symbolically and leave them as open to directorial interpretation as is possible without losing a sense of the place. However in my mind I was thinking more modern warfare and having a desolate desert wasteland- so Afghanistan would probably be the closest shot. I understand now that with prose on the page setting (and smell J) are much more important to the audience!
The ";" probably, again, come from my theatrical background, form in scripts is in essence reparative and I suppose I was thinking a bit to much along these lines. With the repetition I was thinking of how this would sound for an audience read aloud and f it's to stay as a prose piece I will keep this in mind for re writes. In extension I was also trying to emulate how wicked and destructive thoughts spiral and repeat through ones mind when something truly horrific has happened.
Thanks again and I will get one with the feedback
I think what this piece really needs is expansion. As I say, it's an interesting idea, and by expanding it you could more clearly express the motivations of each character - the soldier's sinister lack of sexual understanding and dead girl's empowerment in the face of such sexual violence. There's a lot of scope here for a fascinating examination of sexual attitudes and I think it's definitely something that would be interesting to explore. Perhaps it might be worth giving your dead girl an air of disgust and pity when she regards the soldier - not anger, but a level-headed revulsion that he doesn't understand. Yikes, good luck portraying those emotions!
ReplyDeleteAs I said, I found the repetition very effective in showing an unhinged side to the soldier's character -when you were writing him, did you imagine that his actions were caused by madness? Has he been driven mad by circumstance or did the circumstances allow his psychopathy to show itself in a way that was impossible in civilian life?
A little confusion for me at the end, the mathematics... I obviously dont know algebra that well because I dont see the analogy. ...like why does '2' mean she would come back to life?
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty much an obsticle for me, causing me top spend alot of time trying to understand the relationship between an equation when I should really be contemplating everything that preceeded it.
So character... The protagonist seems to be psychopathic however as far as I'm aware psychos dont feel the need to self-justify their actions,t I get the impression the character is attempting to rationalise these actions/behaviours and I think there is alot of potential there for you to explore the protagonist's mentality.
*right - this relates to the algebra...*
I'm thinking of how this story could progress, I'm imagining that (A) the events of the day will be discovered causing conflict. or (B) The girl becomes some kind of spunk powered Zombie.
I would like to see some kind of 'Justice' to be brought about on the protagonist but for all I know the from this point on the 'dead girl' could become the new lead character.
...Overall this was a pretty quick 'opener', the only obsticle I had was the algebra analogy.
I'm a little confused by the lengh of this piece considering the subject matter you have chosen...
I'm not sure what I expect but I feel that there is something missing from this, I think it is either detail in description of a lack of protagonist's perspective/thoughts.
I don't have to many suggestions:
I think you have the *ahem* bones of it and some *ahem* fleshing out of the emotional/visual detail.
Questions I have looming in the corners of my mind are:
Will there be some kind of justice them in this story?
Will the girl come back to life or was that just a metaphore?
Is this a psychopath, an oppertunist or the actions of someone in shellshock*?
Will the soldier continue to be a character of does the dead girl become the new protagonist?